Discounting is a very common abuser tactic. He says something that hurts your feelings, and when you tell him that, he says "Oh you take things too seriously." This is a direct assault on your person. He said it, you don't like it, but he doesn't think you are important enough to "take it back." So what do you do?

First of all, don't ask WHY did he say that. That is not the issue (he said it because it will elicit the response HE WANTS from you). Don't try to make him understand that it "isn't nice to say that." He doesn't care. What you have to do is this: tell him to "STOP IT. Don't talk to me like that." PERIOD. End of conversation. Now he may attempt to continue the conversation, but tell him AGAIN.

The idea behind this is to let him know "that you hold him responsible and know that his beliefs are not your beliefs" (from Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 142). Even though it may not actually make sense to respond to him in this manner, it is not the USUAL response that he EXPECTS to hear; for that reason it is effective.

Trivializing is similar. The difference is that he makes light of what you have accomplished, or ignores it completely and focuses on what is NOT done. Sound familiar? When he does this, just tell him something like "I've heard all I want to hear from you." Don't bother trying to explain how much fun it was to make the gorgeous cake for the kids' party; don't try to tell him how much work it was to rearrange the living room. Just know that you did a great job and don't be bothered with him.

Discounting and trivializing tactics both are attempts to make you think that what you feel and what you have done are not important, that what YOU do and feel are somehow LESS than what he does and feels. This is simply not true, as you know. Do not allow him to make you feel like you need to explain your every accomplishment or your feelings.

Name-calling is very common among abuser tactics. You have probably heard them all, so I won't list them. This is considered "an invasion of your boundaries" (from Patrica Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, p. 147). She also says that since this attack is "outrageously abusive" you should answer the attack with outrage. TELL HIM TO STOP IT. Tell him "DON'T EVER CALL ME NAMES." Don't tell him WHY, that it hurts your feelings or makes you feel bad, just TELL HIM TO STOP.

Ordering is another means of relegating you to the level of "nonperson." By telling you what to do he is attempting to put himself above you. When he begins this behavior, tell him "I don't follow orders" or "Exactly who are you giving orders to?" And by golly do NOT do whatever he's ORDERING you to do.

Undermining is where you are excited about something, say you saw a great movie, and you are talking about it, giving your opinion, and he says, "oh it's just a stupid movie." This makes you think that maybe your opinion doesn't count. Other things he might say that might sound familiar are: "Nobody asked you" or "You just don't understand" or (my ex's favorite) "What makes you think you're so smart?" He would follow that remark with a sarcastic "Oh yeah.. you are going to COLLEGE, aren't you!" These remarks are a direct attack on your self-esteem. Just tell him, "I don't like your attitude" or, my own personal favorite response "I'm not having any fun with you. I'm going to go do such&such."

The main idea here is that you do NOT have to accept any of this. You may not be able to STOP the abuse, but you can refuse to accept it. Do not be a part of it. Do not respond with your "usual" - throw him a curveball. If you have specific questions about specific incidents, email me. Look for my next article, which will discuss therapy.

copy right 2003 These hints originally appearred in the author's column at Suite101.com.
Please check out more information at:
 www.time2breakfree.com.